Dreaming of You (But Living for Me)
by poeticjustice13
Summary: "What a dream it is to be loved by you, Matt Casey. Waking up to leave you isn't a walk in the park though." Dawsey.


**Author's Note:**

 **Hi everyone! So I've been on FF since I was 13, I am now 22. I'm currently getting my Master's Degree so it's been hard to get back into writing but still a great escape to read on here. I see your comments and I love you all for the support and your requests.**

 **I'm writing my thesis and well...it's not going the best so I gave you this instead!**

 **Here's a sad one, but hopefully a good one.**

 _ **Copyright: I own nothing but my creativity.**_

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When I close my eyes I can feel his hands on me, pulling me close and leading me down our path together. Sometimes, I open it too soon and the image of his pale hand engulfing my tinier, brown one escapes me and I just feel... _sad_.

Other times, I bask in it and let myself relish in the moment. Whether it be him covered in soot, rushing to get back to me after a close call, him cradling me in times of devastation, or better: the cool, breezy feeling of him knowing me, loving me, and becoming one with me even in our quietest moments.

 _What a damn dream to me, that was._

When I open my eyes now, I can feel the heat radiating off of him and seeping into my own skin.

The selfishness is easy on my part; for him it was always the struggle to be a Gaby and a Matt, without their being a _**GabyandMatt**_. He worked endlessly towards my happiness, but something had clicked for me, and I realized that I could no longer force him to be happy with me. Especially when too many things were making us individually happy.

It was time to be us, without there being an us. It was a divorce, but we couldn't make it petty. That wasn't us and this wasn't the time to make that an "us" thing.

"Gaby…" He said for what felt like the millionth time in our lives together, and I had to fight not to think back to the first time he said my name.

The first time he said my name was in passing, reading it on a sheet as he tried to figure out who the new PIC was. I remember getting ready to square up in the case that I had to fight for my place. Instead, he merely nodded and showed me the way to the rig. He was going to end up showing me a lot more later on.

"Baby…" I responded similarly.

There was very little to say in this moment though all the words lined the tips of our tongues as easily as they were etched into the walls of our mouths.

I wanted to stay but I knew that would never stop me from wandering. You can love someone from miles away but to be in love, you must be right where their heart is, and mine left light years ago.

He shifted on the couch, causing the skin of our arms to brush against each other, and I had to remind myself that this would be one of the last times we could be this close.

I looked around our space, what would now be solely his, and thought about the memories. This couch faced the tv, allowing us to watch games, movies that I knew Matt loved, and held secrets and words of admiration after a long day on the job. Each corner, every crevice held something and I knew even in this time of goodbyes, I wanted to see them all.

"I never regretted marrying you, loving you, _knowing_ you. You're just one of the reasons I am the Gaby that I am today. If that's not beautiful, then I don't know what else to tell you." I tried to defend. I wasn't here to convince him that I was right. I was there to let him know that everything was going to be fine.

He nodded. I knew he heard me, but like me, he felt the end of an era. He finally felt the end of _us_. Putting that into words was tough, especially when fighting it seemed way too convenient versus being a necessity. It was time to fight anger and resentment.

"Gaby, I was enough for you. I know I was." Matt said sighing. He looked down, trying to choose his words carefully.

We were going to end right. I knew that even if I didn't make sure of that, he would. That's why I loved him. Because he was right, _very right_ for me once upon a time. As reckless as I ever was with our hearts, he was always the one to keep them together, even if it had meant leaving him lonely on countless occasions.

"We did good together. We did. I think that's all I can say. I can't even find it in me to be mad. A part of me wants you to come home. _I want to be with you_. But I can't ask someone to stay, especially when they're already gone." He explained, which was true. I was gone.

Even though I understood what he meant, it didn't hurt any less. He saw and felt distance and I could **not** sit here and say it wasn't true.

I knew what was happening and so did he. The word divorce is never easy and the fact that we were both willing made it all the more maddening. We knew our place, but it didn't make it any easier.

For some reason, it was in that moment though that it really hit me. This wasn't an argument, we weren't just thinking about it. We were actually doing it.

It suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. The smile I had to suppress the first time that Antonio noticed me staring a little too long at Matt, the first hug Matt and I shared, the first time he proposed, the sadness that came with the baby, and suddenly this moment flashed at me too.

But this was okay somehow. This had merit and substance, but it could'be be classified as giving up. It was _giving in_ to what was right.

"Always know that I love you. I did years ago, the first time you introduced yourself to me and I do now in this moment. I think I love you more now than I ever thought was possible." I whispered, hoping he knows every word is true.

"D'you love me more because I'm letting you go?" He asked trying not to be spiteful.

"Never. It's because it's been such a dream to be with you, even when we thought life was our nightmare. Every moment of being trapped with walls burning around us, the moments of pain where things were soothed with forgiveness, and even now, an ending that heals and mends us both. It was worth it because I was with you."

"You always had a way about to convince me that it was all going to be okay." He said,with a small chuckle.

He sighed, but stood and this time looked at me for real. Looked at me as if it was the last time but something about his eyes made it seem like the first. I remembered the way my heart fluttered when our eyes first locked, and in this moment I'm 26 years old again and I am in love.

But I am also saying goodbye.

He opens his arms and I slide right into them, knowing my place is right there, even if I have to go now. Even though the time is not right, it _was_ at a time and I can't fight that.

"You'll always be my favorite goodbye, Gaby."

"You'll always be the best dream to wake up to, Matt."

And we held each other like that for longer than we should've. I figured the anger would come later, but for now I felt power in this embrace. I knew after this hug that I would be able to get up and go to a new dream, a new chance at life I didn't know that I needed.

When I finally let go, it is selflessly as I know any longer and he would ask me one last time to stay. I give him a small smile and his thumb brushes my lips as I allow him to cradle my head in his palm. It is spark I never want to forget and I reach up to kiss him to savor it.

We both don't deepen our kiss and it was there that I decided it was time to leave.

I grab my suitcase and wheel it to the door with one last turn to Matt. I offer a smile and all he can do is give me a small but unsteady one back.

"I love you, Matt Casey. Be good and live well." I say.

"I love you too Gaby, always." he says with a slight fidget.

And it is done.

* * *

 **Thanks for sticking with me y'all. I do have a story in mind but really wanting to try Stellaride as I love them and AM HURT that they are currently apart.**

 **Let me know what you think**

 **Nessa**


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